Piotr and the Wolverine
by ColdFusion180
Summary: A parody of Sergei Prokofiev's beloved children's masterpiece.


**Piotr and the Wolverine**

**Hello! Welcome to all! Please settle in and prepare to be entertained!**

"Like that's really going to happen," Scott snorted.

**Quiet you! Ahem, sorry about that folks. Now, this is the story of "Piotr and the Wolverine".**

"Don't you mean 'Peter and the Wolf'?" Kurt asked.

**No, I mean "Piotr and the Wolverine". Now stop with the interruptions!**

**Our story begins one cold and snowy day, on the outskirts of a small village, at the homemade cabin of our young, intrepid hero, Piotr.**

"Young?" A six-year-old Piotr blinked at himself in confusion. "What happened to me? Why am I like this?"

**So you fit the role better. Don't worry, it's only temporary.**

"I hope so," Piotr sighed.

**Now, the little village was located on the borders of a large forest. In the forest lived a great Wolverine, which caused much damage and filled the people of the village with fear.**

"Wait, I'm the **bad guy**?" Logan barked. "Why am I the bad guy?"

**You are not the bad guy, precisely. You just go around destroying things and have a fearsome reputation.**

"Oh, well that's okay," Logan grunted.

**Great. Now on this day Piotr, armed to the teeth, decided to set forth and capture the mighty Wolverine.**

"A popgun?" Piotr blinked at the toy gun in his hands. "I am supposed to go and capture Wolverine with a popgun?"

**It's a children's story and you're playing a child. What did you expect?**

"I am going to die," Piotr moaned.

**However, before he could set out, Piotr was stopped cold by his old, grumpy and watchful grandfather.**

"I protest! I am not that old!" Magneto shouted angrily. "And I certainly would not want to be related to Colossus."

"The feeling is mutual," Piotr mumbled.

**Just get on with it!**

"I hate my life," Magneto groaned and looked at Piotr. "And just where do you think you're going?"

"Uh, to go out and hunt down the Wolverine," Piotr ventured timidly.

"Oh in that case, go right ahead," Magneto waved.

"Huh? Wait, aren't you supposed to protest and…" Piotr began.

"Oh no, I insist," Magneto grabbed him and shoved him towards the door. "A young man needs a challenge. Builds character. Oh geeze, I can't believe I said that!"

"You are going to let me try and capture the Wolverine with nothing but a popgun?" Piotr asked in surprise.

"You're right," Magneto snapped his fingers before tossing a coil of rope around Piotr's shoulders and throwing him out the door. "There! Much better!"

"But…but…" Piotr protested.

"Goodbye! So long! Try not to break anything on your way out!" Magneto waved before slamming the door in his face. "Ha! So much for him!"

"What a loving guardian," Piotr grumbled as he picked himself up. "Well, might as well get going," he sighed and set off into the woods.

**And so brave Piotr headed into the forest in search of the Wolverine. He was soon joined by an excited and energetic bird.**

"Let me guess, Warren?" Rogue asked.

**Not exactly.**

"Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" A very happy and very hyper six-year-old Pyro chirped and rapidly ran up to Piotr. "Hey Piotr! Where're you going? Huh? Huh? Ooo, a gun! Going hunting? Can I come too? Huh, Piotr? Can I? Can I? Can I?" Pyro hopped around Piotr impatiently.

"Uh, okay," Piotr blinked.

"I'm surprised you didn't have Pietro be the bird," Kitty remarked

**Well, I wanted to have the Acolytes together.**

"Oh joy," Piotr sighed and headed out.

"Alright! Let's go!" Pyro laughed and skipped behind Piotr. "_A hunting we will go! A hunting we will go! Hi ho the dairy-o, a hunting we will go!_ What are we hunting anyway?"

"Wolverine," Piotr said.

"Great! Let's bag him and hang him over the fireplace. Or better yet, bag him and hang him in the fireplace! Hahahahaha!" Pyro laughed maniacally.

"Right," Piotr rolled his eyes and continued into the forest.

**Soon the intrepid pair encountered another hunting companion, a cat.**

"I don't believe it!" Sabertooth shouted, having also been reduced to a six-year-old. "This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to fight Wolverine this way?"

"Oh I am just loving this," Logan snickered at Sabertooth's appearance. "Anybody got a camera?"

"Don't you dare!" Sabertooth yelled angrily.

"Who's the runt now, bub?" Logan smirked at him.

"You know, he does look kinda cute that way," Kitty thought. "Almost like a big, fuzzy stuffed animal."

"I AM NOT! I WAS NEVER CUTE!" Sabertooth roared.

"I dunno mate. You do look pretty cute," Pyro noted. "Just like a little baby lion cub, all big eyed and hairy and smelly and…"

"DIE!" Sabertooth yelled and began chasing after Pyro.

"This is priceless," Logan grinned as he watched and filmed the spectacle. "I gotta make copies of this."

"Wait a moment," Piotr thought. "If I am the hero, Pyro is the bird and Sabertooth is the cat, then that means…"

"I don't believe this!" Remy appeared while staring down at his six-year-old self. "Why do I half to be the duck?"

"Maybe because you're fowl," Rogue supplied.

"And a featherhead," Kitty said.

"And a quack," Kurt chuckled.

"And you do have a tendency to waddle," Pyro added.

"I DO NOT!" Remy shouted.

"Yes you do!" Pyro went on while trying to stay ahead of Sabertooth. "When you try to swagger you end up swaying from side to side, shifting from foot to foot, just like a plump 'ol mother duck…"

"NO I DON'T! I'VE NEVER WADDLED ANYWHERE IN MY LIFE!" Remy yelled.

"Oh I just love that image," Rogue grinned. "He really does that?"

"Sure. Want me to demonstrate?" Pyro asked.

"NO!" Remy screamed and started chasing after Pyro as well. "HE LIES! LIES I TELL YOU!

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned and held a hand to his head while his de-aged teammates chased each other around. "Here we go again."

**Hey you guys! Knock it off and get back to the story!**

"NEVER!" Sabertooth shouted. "I'm not going through with this!"

**Yes you are!**

"NO I'M NOT!" Sabertooth yelled.

**Would you like to remain a six-year-old forever?**

"What?!" Sabertooth gulped and came to a sudden stop. "You wouldn't dare!"

**Wanna bet?**

"Fine, I'll do it," Sabertooth sulked.

**That's better. Now let's move on to…Remy let Pyro go!**

"NOT UNTIL HE TAKES BACK THAT STUFF ABOUT WADDLING!" Remy shouted while holding Pyro in a headlock.

"AAACCCKKKKKK!" Pyro gasped.

**You wanna end up doing nothing but waddling from now on?**

"No," Remy grumbled as he reluctantly let Pyro go.

"Ohhh, look at the pretty stars," Pyro blinked dizzily.

**Oh boy. Anyway, Piotr and his bold band of hunters continued into the forest, still looking for the elusive Wolverine.**

"As if we actually had a choice," Remy grumbled.

"Stow it Cajun. Let's just hurry up and find him so I can beat the stuffing out of him," Sabertooth growled.

"Yeah, I'm sure he's really gonna feel it when you punch him in the ankle," Remy rolled his eyes.

"I do not know how we are supposed to find him," Piotr said. "There are no tracks and it is kind of dark in here."

"Oh, come on mates. There's lots of stuff to see," Pyro chirped while looking around. "See, there's a tree, a rock, a tree, a tree, a bush, a tree, a tree, another tree…"

"I'm sensing a pattern here," Remy groaned.

"A tree, a tree, a stump of a tree," Pyro went on. "A dead squirrel, a tree, a tree, a snow covered tree, Wolverine, a tree, a tree…"

"What? Wait a second," Piotr slowed turned and found himself face to thigh with Logan. "Ahhh!"

"Boo," Logan smirked and looked down at the four Acolytes confidently.

"Finally, some action!" Sabertooth grinned.

"Yeah, let's take him down!" Remy readied his cards. "Time to…huh?" he blinked confusingly as he tried to charge the cards. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Huh? I can not use my powers," Piotr frowned as he tried to armor up.

**Oh didn't I mention? There are no mutants in this story. Except for ****Logan****. He still has his powers. Make things more challenging, don't ya think?**

"Uh oh," Remy gulped as he stared at Logan nervously.

"We're all gonna die!" Pyro wailed.

"Wait just a minute," Logan said. "I may not like these guys, but there's no way I'm gonna go and hurt a bunch of little, defenseless kids. That's child abuse."

"Who are you calling defenseless, Runt?" Sabertooth snapped.

**You aren't really going to hurt them. Just a little light contact sparing.**

"It still doesn't seem right," Logan frowned. "It's not like they pose a threat to me or anything…"

"Oh yeah? How's this for a threat?" Sabertooth ran up and kicked Logan in the shin.

"Ow!" Logan yelped.

"And this!" Sabertooth bit Logan on the thigh.

"GAAAHHHHHH!" Logan yelled and glared at Sabertooth dangerously. He instinctively popped out his claws. "Why you little…"

"Ooo, what are you gonna do with those you big sissy?" Sabertooth taunted him. "Can't hurt a kid now can ya?"

"No, but I can think of another use for them," Logan smirked. "When was the last time you had a haircut?"

"Huh?" Sabertooth blinked. "What's that got to do with any…uh oh." He gulped and started to back away.

"Oh yeah," Logan grinned and began stalking towards them. "Shearing season has arrived!"

"This is not good," Remy gulped as he, Pyro and Sabertooth hid behind Piotr. "Come on Piotr! Do something!"

"Me? Why me?" Piotr protested.

"Because you're the hero, that's why!" Pyro yelled.

"Oh, right," Piotr gulped as Logan leaned down toward his face.

"Any last requests?" Logan grinned evilly.

"Um," Piotr paused before shooting Logan with his popgun and hitting him right in the nose.

"OW!" Logan yelped as he reeled back and rubbed his nose. "That's it! No more Mister Nice Guy!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Acolytes screamed as they ran for their lives away from Logan.

"Alright! Wohoo!" Bobby cheered as he rooted for Logan.

"Get them! Get them! Get them!" Scott, Kurt and Rogue chanted.

"Okay, three to one odds on Logan getting Remy first!" Jamie announced. "Place your bets people! Place your bets! By the way, anybody want popcorn?"

"HELP ME! I DON'T WANNA BE SCALPED!" Pyro yelled as Logan chased after him.

"I'M NOT GONNA SCALP YOU! I'M GONNA SHAVE YOUR WHOLE HEAD BALD!" Logan shouted at him.

"NOOOOOO!" Pyro wailed. "NOT MY HAIR! TAKE SABES INSTEAD! HE'S THE ONE WHO KICKED YOU IN THE SHIN!"

"THANKS A LOT FIREBUG!" Sabertooth yelled as Logan started after him. "AAARRRGGGHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"COME HERE YOU LITTLE TWERPS!" Logan roared.

"Up here!" Piotr hurriedly climbed a large tree in the middle of a small clearing. Pyro quickly followed up after him.

"Wait for me!" Remy shouted as he began his accent, only to have Sabertooth run up and use his head as a stepping stool. "Ow!"

"Outta my way!" Sabertooth yelled while frantically scampering up the tree.

"Ohhh, my head," Remy winced. "Uh oh," he gulped noticing Logan was almost upon him. Quickly he abandoned any hope of climbing the tree and instead dove into a small hollow opening at its base.

"Come on out Cajun!" Logan shouted coming to a stop. Kneeling down, he stuck an arm into the opening and tried to claw at Remy. "Where are ya? I know you're in there…aha!" He clawed a few times before gleefully pulling out his arm, revealing Remy's torn and shredded trench coat with little tuffs of hair stuck to it. "Got him! Wait a second. I didn't accidentally…he's not…"

**Don't worry, you didn't hunt him. See? There's no blood or anything.**

"Okay, just wanted to make sure," Logan nodded.

"Nooo!" Pyro wailed as he, Piotr and Sabertooth sat on a high limb up in the tree. "Remy's gone! He's been scalped! Poor, poor Remy! Waaahhhhhh!"

"Forget the Cajun! What about us?" Sabertooth snapped as Logan began to climb the tree.

"Nobody scalps me mate Remy and gets away with it. Nobody!" Pyro shouted before diving off the limb towards Logan. "Banzai!"

"What are you doing?" Piotr yelped as he watched Pyro fall. "Are you crazy? What am I saying?"

"What the…aaahhhhhh!" Logan yelled as Pyro landed on his head. He lost his grip on the tree and sent both of them tumbling to the ground.

"Hiiiiiiyaaaaaa!" Pyro whooped as he straddled Logan's shoulders, miraculously unhurt. "You think you're so tough, huh? Take this!" He grabbed a couple fistfuls of Logan's hair and pulled hard.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Logan yelled as he desperately tried to pry Pyro off his head. "LEGGO YOU LITTLE DELINQUENT!"

"And this! RAAARRRAAAAHHHHHH!" Pyro screamed right in Logan's ear.

"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Logan winced and tried to cover his ears.

"And this!" Pyro reached down and somehow managed to yank out a few of Logan's nose hairs.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH MAN THAT HURTS!" Logan screamed in pain.

"Come on! Keep it up! You got him!" Piotr cheered from above.

"Yeah! Way to go Pyro!" Sabertooth shouted. "I can't believe I just said that!"

"Hahahahaha! Yeah! Yeah!" Pyro laughed maniacally right before Logan managed to grab him and throw him off. Pyro fell and landed into a large snowbank up to his neck.

POOF!

"You think that was funny?" Logan turned towards him with a dangerously look in his eye. "Wanna know what I'd find funny right now? Well you're about to find out!"

"Uh oh," Pyro gulped and tried get free. "Help! I'm stuck in the snow!"

"Good!" Logan snapped, not noticing Sabertooth climb down from the tree with one end of the rope tied in a noose.

"Let me out! Let me out!" Pyro shouted as he desperately tried to dig himself free.

"Fat chance," Logan growled as Sabertooth stealthily slipped the noose around his foot. "Now you're gonna get it…waaahhhhhh!" Logan yelped as he was yanked off his feet.

"Come on! Pull! Pull!" Piotr urged as he tried to hang Logan up by his foot from the tree limb.

"I'm pulling, I'm pulling!" Sabertooth grunted as he strained on the rope, having climbed up the tree once more. "It's not easy trying to hoist up a guy with metal bones ya know!"

"So you wanna play that way huh?" Logan twisted and dug his claws into the tree trunk. Using only his arms in an impressive display of upper body strength, he pulled himself over to the tree and climbed it while upside-down until he reached the limb the two Acolytes were perched on.

Flipping himself right side up, Logan turned towards Piotr and Sabertooth and slowly began to make his way onto the limb. "End of the line boys."

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as he and Sabertooth lay trapped on the tree limb.

"Ahhh! Help! Help!" Pyro shouted.

**Just when it seemed all hope was lost, who should happen to wander within screaming distance but a jolly group of hunters.**

"Cool! We get to be hunters!" Todd said as he, Lance, Fred and Pietro walked through the forest.

"Oh, there's a brilliant idea. Letting the Brotherhood have guns," Rogue groaned. "As if they didn't cause enough damage already."

"Oh come on, we can be trusted with guns," Pietro waved. "These are real guns, right?"

**Technically, yes. But they don't shoot bullets.**

"Then what do they shoot?" Lance asked. "Lasers? Paintballs? Tranquilizer darts?"

**Nope. Todd's socks. One hit or whiff from them will be more than enough to take ****Logan**** out.**

"Perfect," Lance groaned. "Our only hope of salvation rests with Toad's socks."

"No respect, no respect," Todd grumbled.

"Help! Help!" Pyro's shouts were heard in the distance. "Somebody save us from the Wolverine!"

"Wolverine!" Fred gasped. "Let's go!"

"Yeah!" Todd cheered as they ran off. "Brotherhood to the rescue!"

**Guys! You're going the wrong way!**

"Oops! Sorry," Fred apologized. "Which way do we go?"

"This way!" Lance pointed and led them in a different direction.

"Charge!" Pietro shouted while running at a moderate pace. "Man, I hate not having my super speed."

"Hey, over here!" Pyro shouted as he heard the Brotherhood dash by. "You blokes are going the wrong way!"

"We are counting on the Brotherhood to save us?" Piotr asked from up in the tree.

"We're doomed," Sabertooth groaned.

"Where are they?" Fred was heard shouting.

"That way!" Lance yelled.

"We just went that way! We should go this way!" Pietro argued.

"Forget it yo. The shouting is coming from this way!" Todd pointed.

"Yeah, these guys are real wilderness men," Rogue rolled her eyes.

"This way! No this way! Maybe this way!" More shouts and sounds of running were heard as the Brotherhood hurried in one direction to the next.

**Oh good grief! The hunters followed the shouts for help until they reached the source and arrived at the clearing.**

"Okay, this has got to be the right way!" Lance said as they ran off once again.

"Just admit you're lost!" Pietro snapped.

"No I'm not!" Lance shot back.

"Yes you are!" Todd shouted.

**Eventually.**

"Man all this running around is killing me," Todd groaned as the Brotherhood finally reached the clearing. "Hey, we did it! We found them!"

"Well it's about bloody time!" Pyro snapped as he shivered while still buried in the snow. "I've practically turned into a giant frozen popsicle!"

"Hey, where are the others?" Fred asked looking around.

"Uh guys," Todd pointed where Piotr's popgun lay in the snow, sliced to pieces. "I think we're too late."

"Oops," Lance blinked.

"I told you we should have gone the other way!" Pietro snapped.

"We're up here you idiots!"

"Huh?" The Brotherhood looked up to see Logan completely bound to the tree limb while Piotr and Sabertooth sat on his stomach. Sabertooth glared at them. "Well, what are you waiting for? Help us get him down!"

"Hey! They're safe!" Fred shouted.

"Yay!" Todd cheered.

"This is so humiliating," Logan groaned.

"Serves you right you mean old Wolverine you!" Pyro snapped. "You scalped Remy!"

"Ohhh." Everyone looked towards the opening at the base of the tree as Remy slowly make his way out. He still had most of his hair. "Man, my head hurts."

"Remy! You're safe! You're safe!" Pyro squealed happily.

"Just barely," Remy winced. "I got knocked out and lost a little side hair, but otherwise I'm just fine."

"Hooray!" Pyro cheered.

**And so Piotr and his merry band of hunters emerged triumphant. They returned to the village where the people threw a happy celebration.**

"Yay! Yay!" The X-Men and New Mutants cheered with various levels of enthusiasm as Piotr led the procession through the village. Remy, Pyro and Sabertooth followed behind him while the Brotherhood brought up the rear carrying a long pole with Logan bound and suspended upon it.

"Alright! Way to go!" Roberto whooped.

"Yes! No more Danger Room sessions!" Ray grinned.

"I am so glad I'm getting this on tape!" Kurt laughed as he filmed Logan tied to the pole.

"That's it! I can't take it anymore!" Logan shouted as he burst free from his bonds. "Give me that camera!"

"AAAHHHHHH!" Kurt screamed as he ran away from Logan.

"Hey! Come back here!" Sabertooth chased after Logan. "Don't think I've forgotten about that video you made of me!"

"So is this stupid story over yet?" Remy asked irritably.

"I think so," Piotr blinked.

"Great," Remy leapt at Pyro and began to throttle him once more. "NOW TAKE BACK THAT STUFF ABOUT ME WADDLING!"

"BUT IT'S TRUE…AAACCCKKKKKK!" Pyro sputtered.

"TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT BACK!" Remy shook him like a rag doll.

POW!

"Hey, watch it!" Bobby yelled as the Brotherhood began shooting at the X-Men and New Mutants with their sockguns.

"Alright! Get 'em!" Pietro shouted as he led the charge.

"You maniacs are going down!" Scott cursed only to get a sock right in the face. "AAARRRGGGHHH! THE SMELL! THE SMELL!"

"Hahahahaha!" Todd laughed insanely. "Eat my socks Summers!"

POW! POW! POW!

CRASH!

"Oh no," Piotr groaned as the village was gradually torn apart. "Let us hope this is the **last** time we will ever have to go through something like this."

* * *

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own X-Men: Evolution, the song "A Hunting We Will Go" or the story, music or Disney animated version of "Peter and the Wolf".**


End file.
